justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: Sometimes I like to scare strangers
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2015/01/sometimes-i-like-to-scare-strangers.html
Monday, January 12, 2015. Sometimes I like to scare strangers. 8220;Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball,” I told the librarian, and she smiled faintly, nodding as she looked back down at the pile of books between us. I waited for a moment, then realized that she was avoiding meeting my eyes, in the same way I might respond to a stranger on the sidewalk who asked, “Can I ask you a question? 8220;Sometimes I Like to Curl up in a Ball,” I repeated. I’M MAD AT YOU, YOU LITTLE STINKYPANTS! Back out the chec...
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: July 2014
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014_07_01_archive.html
Monday, July 28, 2014. Lepers by the lake. 8221; my wife Kara asked, turning off the blow dryer. She could tell something was wrong because the blow dryer normally doubles as a husband repeller, if only because when she’s using it, somebody needs to be downstairs, making sure that our sons are not creating crayon murals or experimenting with the aerodynamics of our cutlery. 8220;One of us is not going to work today,” I replied, holding a thermometer in the air and pointing at our son Zack. So Kara and I ...
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: Household of Brotherly Shoves
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014/12/household-of-brotherly-shoves.html
Monday, December 29, 2014. Household of Brotherly Shoves. 8220;I want the rings! 8221; my son Evan yelled from his seat at the dinner table, reaching to snatch the object from his little brother’s hands. 8220;No, my wings! 8221; Zack screeched, clutching the plastic circles close to his chest. That’s the thing that holds the ketchup bottles together. It has no other purpose,” I said. We get much of our food from Costco these days, so our ketchup comes in triplicate. 8221; Zack yelled. 8220;No, my rings!
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: October 2014
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014_10_01_archive.html
Sunday, October 26, 2014. In horror, I jumped out of the shower, my comatose morning brain shocked into a state of high alert. 8220;Dude, that was a close call,” I said out loud, looking at the only dry part of my body: my left forearm, which happened to have my two-day-old, non-waterproof birthday present from my wife strapped to it. It’s the first non-Timex watch I’ve had on my wrist since the Hamburglar one that came with my Happy Meal thirty years ago. 8221; she asked. Perhaps my hesitation to accept...
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: Room at the mop
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2015/01/room-at-mop.html
Monday, January 26, 2015. Room at the mop. My son, Zack, backed away in fear. He’d never seen anything like it before. 8220;What’s that? 8221; he asked, peering around the couch, staring wide-eyed at the strange device I’d just unearthed from the deepest bowels of our home. 8220;This, my son,” I told him, wielding the staff like a middle-aged mutant ninja turtle, “is a mop.”. Silence. I could just as well have told him that it was a banjo. “What’s that? 8221; he asked again. 8220;Avast, ye swabs! And thu...
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: September 2014
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014_09_01_archive.html
Sunday, September 28, 2014. Democracy takes a good licking. The lady on our front porch hugged her clipboard and waited for the lashing to stop. 8220;She’s friendly, she’s friendly. Sorry. No, Memphis, down,” I said. The dog greeted our new guest as if she was made of beef jerky, running circles around her, sniffing and licking with a rather presumptuous lack of inhibition. Behind me, my two sons played with their wooden train tracks in the entryway. 8220;No, MY train! 8221; five-year-old Evan yelled.
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: I, Dad, lose to iPad
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014/12/i-dad-lose-to-ipad.html
Monday, December 01, 2014. I, Dad, lose to iPad. Sometimes, before the sun even peeks above the horizon, you learn your place in the universe. 8220;Good morning, buddy! Time to rise and shine! 8220;iPad,” Evan croaked from under his covers. 8220;Dude, that’s not how you greet someone in the morning. It’s good manners to say something like,. 8216;Good morning, Father! It’s so great to see you! I missed you all night long, and also you are exceptionally good-looking! 8220;Is he into video games? 8220;Not y...
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: Just can’t elf my shelf
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014/12/just-cant-elf-my-shelf.html
Monday, December 22, 2014. Just can’t elf my shelf. 8220;Dear Sparkles, I am so very sorry that my sisster touched you,” the letter began, and I realized that I did not understand the rules at all. 8220;I will apolougey because she will not apolougey to anybody and I mean anybody. I don’t want you to go to the elf hospital. Love, Emily. P.S. Jordan touched you, not me.”. Apparently, some families have an elf that lives in their house through the month of December, sitting on a shelf and watching the proc...
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: Wreath beats turkey
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014/12/wreath-beats-turkey.html
Monday, December 15, 2014. 8220;Where’s my turkey? 8221; our son Evan demanded, pointing at the wreath on our front door accusingly. The huge-ornament-and-possibly-fake-pinecone-festooned ring occupied the spot where his beautiful crayon Thanksgiving drawing from kindergarten had been taped for weeks. Silence filled the room. My wife Kara had stuffed the drawing in the trash five minutes prior, after holding it up to me and looking sad. 8220;Bah, he’ll never notice,” I said. Before you judge us, it’...
justhumorme.blogspot.com
Just Humor Me: December 2014
http://justhumorme.blogspot.com/2014_12_01_archive.html
Monday, December 29, 2014. Household of Brotherly Shoves. 8220;I want the rings! 8221; my son Evan yelled from his seat at the dinner table, reaching to snatch the object from his little brother’s hands. 8220;No, my wings! 8221; Zack screeched, clutching the plastic circles close to his chest. That’s the thing that holds the ketchup bottles together. It has no other purpose,” I said. We get much of our food from Costco these days, so our ketchup comes in triplicate. 8221; Zack yelled. 8220;No, my rings!
