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Leave Me Alone - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. September 16, 2014 : Comments (7). I rarely drink. *= I rarely drink except when I am trying to get pregnant (I legit prayed to God that my kids would not have big foreheads and even doubled up on my prenatal vitamins just in case). When my family has literally driven me to the brink of insanity. Which is why I was sitting in my bathtub a few days ago, drinking wine out of a coffee cup with an alligator on it, while tears streamed down my face. Tags for this article. Thanks I nee...
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Extra Crazy Cat Lady - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. Extra Crazy Cat Lady. August 19, 2014 : Comments (3). It has been two weeks since my mom’s cat, Mr. Whiskerpuss, passed away. My mom was utterly devastated, s. I took it upon myself to find her another obscenely expensive, purebred kitten to fill the void. Mike was adamant that I ask my stepfather, Bob, before I bought the cat even though Bob had already paid my dowry and arranged for Mike to marry me years ago. Ass kisser. We will make him think he is going crazy! Currently, I s...
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Cat Tales - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. January 05, 2015 : Comments (4). I want to be just like my mom, except with fewer cats and figurines. A few months ago, my mom purchased a pair of designer kittens. Even though I am really allergic to cats and the military previously inflicted torture upon detained terrorists by forcing them to drive with my mother (. It has since been deemed inhumane by the current administration. My cat carrier is the same size as your make-up bag. I am truly a haven of altruism. Fast-Forward: ...
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Mom of the Year Again - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. Mom of the Year Again. June 12, 2014 : Comments (1). I was outside planting flowers when my daughters informed me they were having a lemonade stand at the end of our driveway. Concerned that their projected profit margins were superficially deflated based on their chosen location, which lacked both visibility and traffic, I conceded to their pleas and allowed them to walk across the street to peddle their lemonade to a neighbor who was outside washing his car. After a good hour o...
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Disco Party - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. May 15, 2015 : Comments (1). Lisa: Do you want to go to a Korean bathhouse in a really bad part of town with me tomorrow? Lisa: We have to be naked. Erin: You are going to be jealous of my svelte vagina. Lisa: I will pick you up at 11:00. Lisa’s Version of Events. I would have knocked. Gross. The massage was admittedly a. Erin’s Version of Events. Lisa failed to mention that she also coerced our yoga instructor, Jen, to come with us. It was Jen’s birthday and a Happy Ending i...
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Strapping On Hiking Shoes - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. Strapping On Hiking Shoes. March 10, 2015 : Comments (3). I always knew I would grow up to marry a doctor or an oil magnate. I just never imagined I would actually. Him Oddly enough however, I freaking L-O-V-E my husband. Like after thirteen years together, the sound of Mike’s chewing doesn’t always make me want to punch him in the throat and I have come to adore his unconventional and often disturbing grasp of the vernacular. Mike will say things like, Okay, kids! Overlooking hi...
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Take Your Lumps - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. August 03, 2015 : Comments (5). I found a lump in my armpit. No. I have no idea why I was randomly touching my armpit; this part of the story is irrelevant. I made an appointment at Urgent Care for the following day since I needed to see the doctor who is not married to a friend of mine. How can you be so selfless in a time of impending crisis you say? I was like, Oh yeah totally! Be that dumb. I am noooooooot even slightly concerned. I take Lexapro remember? Fortunately for Mike...
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I Am a Dickhead - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. I Am a Dickhead. August 01, 2014 : Comments (1). By the time I got home, my face was oozing and bloody and my right eye was swelling shut. I decided to take a painkiller and proceeded to experience the greatest forty minutes of my entire life. So what that my face was dripping off onto my shirt? Then I violently barfed it up and discovered Betty Ford was not in my future. She said I would look radiant by this weekend! WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME? UmFirst of all, it is O...
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The Traveling Man - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. July 21, 2014 : Comments (1). Except when we travel and then we fucking hate each other. Traveling induces a barrage of passive aggressive comments from Mike, I sure hope we make it or It’s going to be really close and Mommy needs to pack a little earlier next time huh guys? Recently, our family went to Mexico. Mexico is my favorite vacation spot. Oh but Erin, Mexico is disgusting! How can you say such a thing? Would have handled things differently. Apparently, he has a secre...
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Listen to My Intuition - Erin Says
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Learn what others have:. Listen to My Intuition. April 28, 2015 : Comments (2). I attribute my extraordinary sense of intuition to be the guiding force behind my countless successes in life. Case in point: Last month when I was in Hawaii with my girlfriends, we drove past the beach where Bethany Hamilton's arm was chomped off by a shark. I then learned approximately half of the women I was traveling with were on their periods. Well, our video was going to be even MORE amazeballs. Anyhow, my sell-out, tat...
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